


Cry For Judas

by ukulele_villian



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Adventure, Artagan Apologist, Character Study, Drabble, F/M, POV Jester Lavorre, The Feywild
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26306569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ukulele_villian/pseuds/ukulele_villian
Summary: Painful white light had been in her eyes, and she hadn’t been able to hold on as his foot connected with her chest, pushing her down, away, uselessly away.Artagan is taken to the Feywild, and Jester Lavorre is determined to get him back.
Relationships: Artagan & Jester Lavorre, Jester Lavorre & Caleb Widogast, Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 8
Kudos: 97





	Cry For Judas

“ _Let him go !”_

Artagan had looked up at the sky, chains pulling him towards an unknown fate, then back at Jester. His face had been backlit by the fluorescent moon beating down onto them. Painful white light had been in her eyes, and she hadn’t been able to hold on as his foot connected with her chest, pushing her down, away, uselessly away. 

She hadn’t known he could cry. As she fell, Caleb’s magic catching her and Fjord, she saw Artagan shaking with fear and resignation. It was wrong, he was made of confident playfulness. This humbling, forced inversion of his being, was sickening to her. 

Before the light became too painful and he disappeared into it-- Jester saw him smile. He had always taught her to laugh through whatever pain came her way. 

_“Why do you cry for this selfish creature ?”_

“We have to-” She was on the ground now, looking up at her friends. “ _Guys,_ they _took_ him !” It was all her fault. She had suggested the Moonweaver, she had asked him to actually be on the island for her, she hadn’t reacted in time to him pushing her off. “Please, guys, we have to-”

“You’re okay,” Beau was hugging her now, squeezing her so she wasn’t shaking. “You’re good now.”

_She threw a punch, the vines missed her hand completely. “Yeah, not a god.”_

Jester shook out of her friend’s hold, “No ! We have to go, _guys_ !” She looked to Beau, Fjord, Caduceus. They were looking anywhere else, but her. Jester growled and forced her hands through the motions of casting Commune. The magic connected and she almost sobbed with joy. “Artagan-”

It was painful, like a sharp pinch at the base of her neck. And the spell was cut short. 

“ _Fuck,”_ Jester moved to cast it again. The pain shot through her a second time; this time pins and needles all over her body. Green sparks burst from her skin and showed the group what had become of her magic. They had always said it was in her, and part of that was right. 

But only part of it. A gaping hold could be felt in her stomach, something was ripped away, and there were repercussions for that. 

“Jester, stop !” Veth was now beside her. 

“If we go fast we can still get him back, and then explain to the other followers that it was just a prank-” Jester had to duck away from Caduceus who was preparing to cast a spell to calm her; or worse, hold her in place. 

She went to cast Sending, and vomited the words and dinosaur meat onto the dirt. Acidic taste filled her mouth, and salty tears ran down her eyes. 

“Hey, common--that’s enough, Jessie.” Fjord caught her wrist, not rough or harsh, but still stern. “We’re here. We’re with you.”

“Fjord, they _took_ him ! _Fjord_ , please.”

“Jessie, how do we know that his disappearance wasn’t part of the show.” He was too calm.

“What ?” The world was spinning as she was now trying to pull out of Fjord’s grasp. 

“Yeah ! He said he was gonna pull an ascension !” Veth was nodding her head along. 

_He would have told me._

_The dragon beats its wings. “I’m alone now.”_

It was going to hurt, but she did it anyway. Falling backwards into her Dimension Door sent a tightness to her chest. She didn’t want to hear her friends try and call her back. This had all been an inconvenience to them, a waste of time and resources that could have been used to bring back Mollymauk, or do something super special and important for Essek. 

_He pulls the spell book from her, a pitying look as he floats away._

She was on the ground again somewhere, staring up at the night sky. Catha and Ruidus, the sister moons, stared back. She could smell blood. Her nose was full of it. Maybe a T-rex would come eat her, or a giant flower, or maybe the sky would suck her up and she’d fly away. Jester tilted her head so her cheek rested on the cool dirt. Humidity seeped into her, and mosquitoes buzzed at her ear. 

Artagan had closed his eyes before he kicked her off, he’d had to steady himself to do it. And the smile when she landed. It had been a mask. 

It had been a bitter-sweet smile. 

_Fuck this island, and fuck the Moonweaver, and fuck the Wildmother, and fuck that little spotted monkey staring at me !_

She slowly sat up with the realization of who it was, having to push herself onto her elbows despite her body's protesting. “Go away, Frumpkin ! Shoo !” The monkey chattered back and forth, doing a funny little dance. Jester pulled at her hair, knowing it would be a second before Caleb led all of her friends to her. 

  
  


_“I care about you, Jester, not those two hundred other people.” And not Artagan._

_“You know you don’t need him.” But I want him. Doesn’t that matter just as much ?_

Caleb ungracefully walked out from behind a tree, wordlessly motioned for Frumpkin to jump on his shoulder, and stayed where he was. He was twisting a copper wire around his fingers, probably having already told the others where to find her. 

Jester could not be bothered to sit up again, to even roll towards Caleb. She wiped her arm across her nose and said, “They’re going to hurt him.”

Caleb swallowed and responded softly to her, “He is a lord, _ja_ ? And he can talk circles around the lot of them, I bet.”

Jester shook her head, new angry hot tears arriving and choking her out. “They’re gonna hurt him. I know they are. They’re gonna put him in a little box, and cut his hair off, and- and- and shit, Caleb. He’s all alone ! And everyone hates him !”

“You do not hate him.”

“That doesn’t count !” She could read the truth written on all her friend’s faces. They would not help her find Artagan. They kept saying they loved her, that she was wonderful, that she meant so much to them. 

If that were true, then why did they despise the creature that reflected so much of her ? Why did they not believe he was real ? Why did they not care that she wanted him in her life ?

“Frumpkin does not hate him.” Caleb must have made his way over to where she was laying down, the soil sunk a bit as another’s weight sat down next to her. She was grateful humans could not see in the dark, she was sure the blood and snot on her face had also gotten on her dress. 

“That doesn’t count either; Frumpkin likes everybody, Caleb.” 

“No, that is where you are mistaken. Frumpkin is an incredibly good judge of character, and he told me your friend is not too off the cuff for our group.”

“Frumpkin said that ?” Jester raised her head and sat up now. The pain in her ribs pulsated; she winced, but started to smile through it. Their friends had still not arrived, she dropped the smile. She remembered she didn’t need it with Caleb. 

“He’s been present for many of our adventures; he had choice words for me. Luckily, his sense of humor has not changed over time.”

They sat in silence for a beat. 

“I’m glad you found me first, Caleb.” She felt the familiar struggle of the moments right after Yasha had been taken by Obann. Everyone had seen her cry then. 

_“What if she was evil the whole time ?” No, you saw her in her quietest moments._

_He would have let you come with him. He would have told you. He wouldn’t have accidentally shown you his terror._

Caleb opened his mouth, and stammered out, “Time works differently in the Feywild…” Jester had learned to wait through his pauses. He picked his next words with shaking hands, “If we’re going to help him we need to do it now. And maybe he’s already on his way to escaping again. We'll just need to find a place where the walls between the worlds get thin, that is all.”

“But the-” She knew Caleb's past was calling, nipping at his heels. It was only placated with a peace treaty, and it would come back once the noise the Mighty Nein had made died down. The Moonweaver’s servant had been right, Artagan was a selfish creature. So was Jester. The Assembly and its evil had little to do with her and felt distant, but it had everything to do with Caleb, Beau, and Veth. “I’m going alone.”

Caleb did not touch her, his hands instead hovered until he could pull them back against his chest. “Why ?”

The taste in her mouth grew sour, “Yeah, I’m sure our friends would _love_ to go fight more evil things in the Feywild for Artagan.”

“For you ? Anything-”

She screamed, “You all keep saying that ! If it true then you’d at least pretend to get along with him. I know he’s an asshole, and annoying, and you all don’t trust him--but I do. And I love him, why isn’t that enough ?” _I'm like him ! We are the same !_ Animals in the trees fled from the noise. Caleb began to pet Frumpkin, and rub one of his arms. 

Caleb paused, then nodded once, like he understood the great puzzle in their way, “Veth will go with you. We will wait here.”

She fell back onto the ground. “Caleb, that’s not what I meant. Veth thinks he’s creepy, I’m not bringing her.”

“Then Beauregard will go with you.” 

“I can’t wait for her to punch him in the mouth and then forget we’re supposed to be rescuing him.” It felt mean to be talking about them behind their backs...But it was true. Jester could drag them with her to the Feywild, watch their patience thin, see how they would abandon her. 

At least this was on her own terms. 

“Yasha ?”

“No, I don’t want her getting taken again…” There would be creatures in the Feywild of immense cruelty, and Yasha was part celestial. Jester didn’t know if she could save Yasha _and_ Artagan.

Caleb rubbed his face, and sighed. “Fjord--Fjord will be strong. And Caduceus can go too. He will heal.”

_He’ll be the new healer...Because his magic isn’t broken. You’re broken._

“No,” Jester began to stand, her vision swam and little orbs clouded her eyes. She stumbled and fell up against hands and a chest. Caleb had caught her. “They don’t like him either, and their Wildmother would never let them go.”Caleb was still holding her up. This close she could smell him, and see he was still wearing his big wizard’s coat. Jester kicked herself for not teasing him sooner. Traveler Con had filled up her head, pushed away her jokes and humor with stress and scorn. 

“Someone must go with you.”

“I’m fine, look,” Jester twirled her hand to summon her Spiritual Guardians. The unicorns popped into existence, and the price was Jester’s body being wracked by shakes and tremors. Her stomach lurched and then vomit erupted from her and onto Caleb’s shoes. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, oh gosh. Caleb, please, I’m sorry.” 

He led her aside, leaning her against a tree. He then removed his coat and balled it up like a pillow behind her back. He was mumbling in Zemnian now, wrapping the copper wire around his hand to message their friends.

She would never be able to get to the Feywild if her friends discovered she was leaving, or if they saw what was happening to her magic. Jester grabbed Caleb’s hand, “Wait, please don’t call them.”

“Jester, they want to help. We want to help you.” 

She couldn’t tell Caleb how guilty she felt. After they’d given their offerings to Vokoodo she’d grappled with how to make it up to them. She had hoped that once the monster was dead they’d start relaxing and enjoying themselves, maybe they'd finally connect the dots and recognize what she saw in Artagan. At times they did relax and joke, but any moment that arrived with the Traveler made them judgmental, tense. 

Unnecessarily protective...

_If they see him like this, then how do they see me ?_

In her head she could remember an archway, programmed by Caleb to lead guests. There was a dome of memories to comfort them after Vokoodo had stolen and threatened to take their pasts. On the stage, wings had popped out of her back, and in the crowd Caleb had smiled. 

His smile had been soft. 

More than that, though, he was powerful. He had disintegrated Vokoodo, killed the Laughing Hand, and negotiated with the Bright Queen. His magic was solely his, reliant on no other god or entity. 

There was one way to solve his concern of her going alone. And to save her selfish friend, she would have to be self-serving as well. 

“Caleb,” She squeezed his hand and rubbed her thumb over his knuckles. He shivered even in the oppressive island humidity. “Come with me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Right now this is a one-shot, drabble. I have a lot on my plate with my other multi-chapter stories, but I do plan to one day flesh this out more...
> 
> "Some people crash two or three times and then learn from their mistakes. But we are the ones who don't slow down at all, and there's nobody there to catch us when we fall." - Cry For Judas by The Mountain Goats.


End file.
